Reflections on February

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How Do You Cope?

My husband and I have a saying this time of year, “F*****g February.” 

Not that there is anything particularly wrong with the month itself.  Black History, Valentine’s Day, and Lent are all good.  It’s just that IF something is to go wrong for us, it usually goes wrong in February.  February marks the anniversary of my Brother-In-Law’s passing 17 years ago.  It’s the month my husband was diagnosed with Kidney cancer, 15 years ago.  Hospitalizations, car catastrophes, and financial woes – February, February, February.  F*****g February.

This a two frame meme. On the top frame there is a stick figure labeled "Me." They are holding their arms out to a giant yellow bubbled labeled "Future." The stick figure is happy. The picture on the bottom frame is similar. But, now, behind the stick figure there is a pink blob titled "Past." The blob has its arms wrapped around the stick figure. The stick figure, still reaching toward the future, has a worried look on their face.

Even after several years of relative peace, I find myself waiting with bated breath every February 1st.  Perhaps that’s why I’ve waited until the month is almost over to write this letter to you (I wasn’t sure what would need tending to this time!).  However, as I begin to hope that another year may pass without incident, I can’t help but think about how our past informs our present.  In this case, my past is like a weight (blob), dragging my present down (back).

Over the years, I’ve developed a few coping strategies to see me through the month – tiny indulgences, hyperfixations, and lots and lots of rest.  But, today, I am wondering about you.  When or where is your past like a weight, dragging your present down?  At these times, in these places, how does the past inform your present?  And, how do you cope?