Set Boundaries, Find Peace

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A white person covers their mouth with one hand, while their other hand presents itself to the camera. On the hand presented to the camera is the word "Enough."
Picture by Pexel contributor RDNE Stock Project

Kindness is Not Weakness

In recent years I’ve taken on the task of reconnecting with childhood friends. In our conversations, there is one common refrain I’ve heard over and over again. These old friends seem compelled to tell me how I was always ‘so kind,’ or in some instances ‘the nicest person they knew.’ Which, strangely enough, kind of makes me sad. For starters, how sad that I was the nicest person they knew throughout their childhood. And, second, some have been inclined to see my kindness as weakness. All of which got me thinking, maybe I need to do some work around boundaries. So, I choose Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab as one of my sabbatical reads. But, now, 9 months later, I am not sure if this is the book I really needed. My kindness is not a weakness, nor does it stem from a lack of boundaries. However, just because this book wasn’t for me, doesn’t mean it isn’t for you. So, here are the quotes and questions I have gathered…

Quotes

  • It’s not my job to save people. It’s not my job to fix people. I can help people, but I can’t fix them. p. xvii
  • This reflects the number one reason that people avoid setting boundaries: fear of someone getting mad at them. p. xvii
  • Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships. p. 5
  • If you think about it, the root of self-care is setting boundaries: it’s saying no to something in order to say yest to your own emotional, physical, and mental well-being. p. 6
  • When we’re resentful, we do things out of obligation to others instead of for the joy of helping. p. 6
  • Boundaries are essential at all ages. They change in relationships, just as the people in relationships change. Transitions… often require new ones. p. 9
  • Healthy boundaries… require an awareness of your emotional, mental, and physical capacities, combined with clear communication. p. 12
  • In a recent Instagram poll, I asked “When you’re having an issue, what would you prefer? A: Advice or B:Listening?” More than 70 percent of the 4,000 people who answered said, “B: Listening.” It seems that most of us just want to be heard. A fundamental boundary is learning to listen without offering advice. p. 122
  • Real acts of self-care have little to do with spending money. Instead, they’re about showing up for yourself by setting boundaries. p. 154
  • In most marriages, people report a decline in satisfaction during the first year, soon after kids are born, and when the kids leave home. p. 200
  • Having kids isn’t a reason to abandon yourself and your marriage. p. 202

Questions

  • How are you at setting and keeping boundaries?
  • Are there certain areas in your life that could benefit from a re-evaluation of your boundaries?
  • How are you at accepting other’s boundaries?

That’s it for this month. I hope you will join me next month, as we explore a work I am still wrapping my head around, How we Show Up by Mia Birdsong. Thanks!