How to Keep House While Drowning

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I Am Drowning, there is No Sign of Land.

A picture of waves against a steel grey sky. From the angle, it looks like the photographer is about to go underwater.
From Matt Hardy on Pexels

Have you ever heard “No Children” by The Mountain Goats? It was popular on Tiktok a few years back. If you were on Tiktok during the Pandemic you probably remember those videos. You probably also remember K.C. Davis who made a name for herself as a compassionate, neurodiversity affirming therapist. When her book, “How to Keep House while Drowning,” came out, I just knew I had to read it. And, I am so glad I did. In her book, Davis not only provides neurodivergent-positive strategies for basic care tasks (e.g. cleaning, bathing, exercising, etc.) but also a functional framework for care tasks that is deeply grounded in self-love and grace. In all honesty, the only gripe I have with this book is that it wasn’t available during the pandemic, when I was drowning. Here are the quotes and questions I gleamed from it…

Quotes

  • Like a snake, I felt the voice that visited me nightly crawl up my thought, wrap its body around my neck, and hiss into my hear, “See? I told you you were failing.” My professional experience as a therapist had shown me time and time again that being overwhelmed is not a personal failure, but as most of you may know, the gulf between what we know in our minds and what we feel in our hearts is often an insurmountable distance. p. 3
  • In fact, I do not think laziness exists. You know what does exist? Executive dysfunction, procrastination, feeling overwhelmed, perfectionism, trauma, amotivation, chronic pain, energy fatigue, depression, lack of skills, lack of support, and differing priorities. p. 5
  • When barriers to functioning make completing care tasks difficult, a person can experience an immense amount of shame. p. 6
  • You are already worthy of love and belonging. p. 9
  • Care tasks are morally neutral. Being good or bad at them has nothing to do with being a good person, parent, man, woman, spouse, friend. Literally nothing. p. 11
  • [Fill in the blank] “It would be such a kindness to future me if I were to get up right now and do ___” p. 13
  • Think of what you would say to a friend who was struggling and turn the message inward. p. 36
  • Anything worth doing is worth doing partially. p. 47
  • I find this stems from that binary view of care tasks that they can be only either done or not done and that done is the superior state. But keeping everything done isn’t the point. Keeping things functional is the point. p. 51
  • If you never figure it out but have less shame in your life and more joy, I’d say that’s a win. p. 64
  • You are not responsible for saving the world if you are struggling to save yourself. If you must use paper plates for meals or throw away recycling in order to gain better functioning, you should do so. p. 65
  • No person can do all the good things all the time and expecting yourself to just sets up an oppressive perfectionism to which no one can live up. Imperfection is required for a good life. p. 66
  • Those who work in shame also rest in shame. Instead of relief, taking a break only brings feelings of guilt. p. 91
  • The balance between rest and work seems to work itself out pretty naturally when you practice self-kindness. p. 94
  • There are seasons of life when we just can’t get all of our needs met, but the mental shift of seeing rest not as a luxury but as a valid need helps you get creative, or at least validates it’s okay to mourn how difficult life is right now. p. 95
  • [Speaking about partnerships] The should not be to make the work equal but to ensure that the rest is fair. p. 97
  • Move as slowly as you need to. p. 107
  • The best way to do something is the way it gets done. p. 118
  • Creating momentum is key because motivation builds motivation. p. 120
  • Self-care was never meant to be a replacement for community care. p. 131
  • When did movement lose its pleasure? When did my adult life stop including activities that made movement joyful? Can I get it back? Can you? Can we try together? p. 137
  • There are no good or bad foods. There are no right or wrong foods. p. 140

Questions

  • So many of the books I’ve covered so far this year re-iterate that we all are worthy of love and belonging. And, yet, so few of us have internalized this message. Why do you think that is?
  • Fill in the blank from page 13.
  • Where in your life do you allow yourself to be imperfect?
  • Imagine community care – what does it look like to you?
  • Would you say you live most of your life in your brain or your body? When was the last time you experienced joyful movement?
  • Are there other realms of your life where you can apply Davis’ philosophies?

If you are struggling with care tasks, or feelings of shame, I strongly recommend reading Davis’ book. Next month, we’ll review Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab, which – honestly – I thought I’d get more out of. Until then, surfs up!